Missing granny : Until her last breath

O Allah please give me the strength.. 


She was after all my source of strength. My one and only gossip girl since I lost my mom. I am somehow need to be strong. 

And Yes I do feel a total lost again. 

**

Everytime my husband away for outstations, I  love to be at my grandmother nest.

I decided to paused whatever I been doing and more likely love  to be with my grandmother more than anything else.

And I've been carrying both my babies wherever I go.

Especially Ariz since I always directed breastfed her. 

I become a ninja mom eversince Ariz inside my tummy.  


**

She was in a coma for one week. And she finally open her eyes. (after one week) 

She had a mild stroke lepas bangun dari koma. Nenek minum susu pakai tube. And we hardly understand what she said. 

But thank you Allah. 

Feeding on a tube was only meant for short period of time. 

When she was at the hospital, I told her

"Bila nenek dah sembuh. Nanti kita pergi makan macam-macam".

"Roti canai.. kuih-kuih.." 

"apa-apa je"

"Apa-apa yang nenek nak".

And--after taking consideration of doctor's advice. 

And perhaps she might get bored in the hospital for so long.

So we decided to bring her home.

She had a very bad lungs infections. And doc suspected she had tumor inside her tummy too. And any procedure are too risky according to my grandmother age factor.

And when she finally went back home--to her nest. 

I witness my grandmother strength when she came back to her house. 

After a very long separated period of leaving her abandoned house due to her unrecoverable illness and incapability. 

I can see how happy she was at her own home sweet home. 

She's getting better by her own willing. 

Strong motivation and self healing. 

She even took a shower by herself. 

What a one strong woman she was. 

After taking a long shower, she rested on a chair for a while. 

She had difficulties to catch her breath. But she did Inhale and exhale slowly by her own willing. Few time. Everytime. 

She just got to be strong.

She was a strong woman. 

She then, happily eat on the dining table  (that--happy table we used to laugh and make funny silly jokes while eating).

The last time i feed her porridge when she was sick. 

She said, "apa ni. Bagi makan baby ke?" 

She was mad. I gave her porridge and she had difficulties to swallow. 

But thank Allah. 

After she recovered (eventhough she is not) She really had the appetite to eat. 

Eventhough its hard for her to swallow. 

But she did it anyway. 

The day when she arrived at her nest, we decided to just give her what she wants. 

  

One day she called upon me , “Ila.. nenek teringin makan fish & chip”. 

My grandmother was so excited and she even used fork and knife by herself. And we set up the table properly like she used to make during her colonials days. 

Few weeks before her final days, she even requested to eat Meggi Mee.

“Ila nenek teringin makan meggi lah”

So I quickly bought one packed of meggi mee kari and cook for her. Even though it wasn't that hard to cooked Meggi mee. 

"huuuu.. Sedapnya meggie.."

Nenek always so cute like that.

Eventhough it just mee meggi kari but her reaction was the purest and most honest, sincere one that I just love.

"Ila, nenek teringin makan mee Suah”..

She taught me how to cooked mee Suah and I did cooked for her everytime she wants it. Mee Suah was her favourite.

Love it everytime when I'm able to cook for her.

**

On her last few days, before she take her final breath, she even requested to cut her hair. 

So I cut my grandma hair till short (upon her request). I put one classy chair in front of main door. The door was very antique (pintu kayu itu sedang ingin rapuh dimakan anai-anai). 

I asked her if she want to go to the nearby hair salon. 

She said, 

"never mind. I will had my ‘salon’ here". 

She pointed where she sit.

I touched her hair. 

She had a very soft, strong and silky grey hair. And I wonder how she take care of her hair. Eventhough its grey but still strong, shining and silky soft.

She just smiled and let me cut her hair while she just starred outside her oldies see-through glass & wood's sliding door. She remembered all the fun and joy she ever had here, at her mansion.

She flashback the times when she really had a very good times. When all her best friends still alive. When she walk around the kampung. And people greeted her. 

She surely missed that moment.

I even took her to my house before she was in a coma. 

It took about 15 minutes from my grandparents house to my condo. 

Along the way, she commented about the landscape. How the scenery was meant to be like 60 years ago. When there was only tin mining. 

“Dulu kawasan ni lombong bijih timah......” 

She know her place very well. The pre-independence landscape still fresh inside her mind.

But now, the lake no longer exist somehow. 

**

I love everytime and the times I had with her.

She so funny and fun to watch especially when she talk about hillarious stuff. 

One day, as when she watched the famous fashion designer Rico Rinaldi Saloma inspired collections on women talkshaw live on tv

She claimed, "nenek dah pernah dah pakai baju macam ni dulu" 

Ala-ala primadona Saloma. Ala-ala ketat sendat, pendek dan ketat. 

She was a stylish modern women during her era. 

"dulu, madam nenek bawak nenek pegi fashion show" 

"bawak nenek tengok fashion show" 

"bukan duduk kat luar. Tapi duduk kat dalam pavillion" 

Katanya gembira dan bangga. 


**

My grandmother live in pre &; post independence day.

I do really think she was probably  among the last batch of living persona who live in the pre-war & post independence days. 

She was the one who lives her life as a homemaker and devoted herself  in the kitchen since she was a very young girl. And be a commited one until the rest of her life. 

I hope Allah will give me strength to write more about her.

I love her stories everytime she told me during her war and colonial days.

Before her last breath, (sebelum nenek nazak) my everyday last scenery was fully occupied by only stared, observed what she's been doing and temaning her watch tv. 

And she always bubbly about something and everything. 

"tengok cerita drama, macam-macam kejadian. Sekali tak sangka kena kat batang hidung kita"

Sekali-sekali berseloroh semacam itu. Nampak macam serius ya. 

And we giggled together. 

I remember when one day, someone asked her, "How are you nenek ?"

She answered. "Bagus... masa yang lalu, yang dah lepas semua bagus-bagus"

On her last few day, she said “Ila nenek tak larat nak bangun”. 

Few weeks before she took her last breath, she even had high fever. And she told me her left leg hurt so badly.

And later, both of her legs hurt. 

And that was one of many sign before she left us forever. 

She had the most purest heart toward people all around her and loved by so many.

**

Hujan lebat. 

Dan ada seorang wanita tua datang  ke sekolah bersama payung sambil memegang  satu lagi payung di sebelah tangannya. 

Sekolah belum tamat. Jadi dia duduk di sebuah kerusi usang terletak di hujung jalan koridor bilik darjah. 

Hujan masih lebat. 

Wanita tua itu tunggu sampai sekolah tamat. 

"Hujan lebat ni..nenek datang nak amik cucu.. kesian dia", beritahu wanita tua itu. 

Wanita tua itu was my grandmother. 

I was eight years old. I lost my mother when I was 5 years old. 

And i told my teacher that old lady was my grandma.

She walk alone from her house to my school. 

Eversince my mom died. She's the one who really cared. 


She was the most sincere person i ever knew. 

Thr last mother figure ever alive on earth. 

And that's the reason why... I feel its really mandotory for me to be with my grandma until her last breath.

*

Al fatihah nenek ku Saenah.