What I did last Ramadhan II

After all my life, I'm waiting for someone who is willing to take me as his wife. The finale of his strong decision, will then immediately.. change my routes and give me way to move towards him. I am willing to sacrifice my entire life only for my husband alone, after Allah and Rasul allah.

I fulfill my day and night.. praise, dua and pray to Allah alone. I am juggling on my work  loads and I couldn't sleep so well at night. Sometimes, I didn't even break my fast-days right on time during sunset prayer (Maghrib). Sometimes I delayed to break my fast. I only could eat Dates and drink plain water. And after a long day, I'm tired and I couldn't eat much. And as the result, I lost another 10 kilos.

My tawakkul to Allah kept me awake at late night and stay up until before dawn, shalat Subuh. 

I begin to fasting from early days of Nifsu Sya'aban and ended my fasting period by the end month of Ramadhan. I fill in my days and night with  shalat sunnah taubat, tasbih, istikhara, tahajjud and other additional sunnah prayer. I been through so many stunts, thrill and actions. And I couldn't accept another fragile heart anymore. And to be honest, I am no longer able to witness another repeatable fragile story no more.

I asked Allah, to help me. Make me become a very tough and strong woman. And I am redha for everything He writes me.

Every prayers and dua, and every seconds of my journey, I am tawakkul and put my trust and believe in Allah alone. And I had absolutely no desire to harm anyone heart.

I clean the mud, dirts and coals on their hands. I clean all the mess. And only for this time alone, I am so peaceful and quiet. What I did was, I pullback and only observed from far. The surroundings and situations makes me shakes my head again and again. I close my eyes and clean my heart. Insya allah, my heart to Allah alone keeps me survive and alive. I believe Allah knows what beneath inside my heart.  He will listen.

He will help me. He will answer my dua and prayer.